Well. Here I am. And the question is whether or not to spread the word. I’d rather not be involved in the unnecessary drama that sometimes accompanies blogs, which would suggest that I should keep this in a locked box. And yet, where is the fun in only me reading this? I can’t find it… so… here I am. Pickled. Piiickled Sally. I guess I should prepare to get slapped in the face for my brutal honesty.

I’ve realized that I’m having a hard time transitioning between being (in the eyes of my parents) a child and an adult. It’s hard to have them living so close – it’s almost like I’m living with them when I’m not. I never even considered moving away, though. Jakob is still only nine years old and I want to be here for him while he grows up. Not to mention, now Karen and Howard live here now as well, so I get the added bonus of watching Abby and Emma grow up too. And yet, living so close makes it feel like my parents still have this looming power over me. The dynamic in their household of having a nine-year-old child does not help things. When they have such a young kid in the house it’s almost like they need to treat me like I’m younger too. And yet, I am supporting myself and living on my own. I’m taking responsibility for my life. But I still find myself wondering what they will think when I make big decisions — which isn’t such a bad thing until I let their opinions bounce around in my brain so much that they stress me out. I have always tried to be a crowd pleaser. I don’t like the spotlight and I’d rather listen than talk. I avoid conflict as much as possible. But if I want to be my own person I need to learn that my opinions and those of my parents will not always be the same. I need to learn that that is okay.

Getting Rufus was a first step in that direction. My dad thinks it’s great, but I’m pretty sure Allison doesn’t think so. She hasn’t said anything, and that silence speaks. I know she’s not a dog person and I know she thinks spending lots of money on pets is stupid. I struggled for a long time in wanting a dog and knowing that she wouldn’t react favorably. But, it’s my life and I need to learn that my opinions don’t always have to be the same as my parents’. She has respected my decision. She hasn’t said anything negative about it. And on my side I know that I can’t expect her to be excited and want to meet or talk about Rufus when she’s not a dog person (I’ve been kind of sad that my family hasn’t wanted to meet him). I know that these are steps in the right direction and they’re helping me to be able to be okay with making my own decisions.

I’m cutting the cord and learning to breathe on my own. I did it on day one, and now, with my birth into adulthood, I am struggling to catch that first breath yet again.

Welcome to my world of hyperventilation.